


Monogamy is for Plebeians

by conceptofzero



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-16
Updated: 2011-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:10:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conceptofzero/pseuds/conceptofzero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Black Queen’s chambers are huge. Jack can’t think of any reason why anybody would ever need this much damn room. This is what he chooses to focus on, instead of the horrible panicking fear in the back of his mind, screaming out YOU’RE GOING TO GET CAUGHT AND KILLED with every step he takes into her chambers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monogamy is for Plebeians

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Моногамия - для плебеев (Monogamy is for Plebeians by conceptofzero)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/969320) by [Mr_Scapegrace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Scapegrace/pseuds/Mr_Scapegrace)



The Black Queen’s chambers are huge. Jack can’t think of any reason why anybody would ever need this much damn room. This is what he chooses to focus on, instead of the horrible panicking fear in the back of his mind, screaming out YOU’RE GOING TO GET CAUGHT AND KILLED with every step he takes into her chambers.

Jack knows why she called him here, but he’s not stupid, and he’s got an armload of paperwork just in case the King drops by. Not that Jack thinks the King will buy it, but he can always hope that if somehow the King does show up and Jack isn’t naked yet, he can grab onto the stacks of paperwork and wave them around and bluff until he can get away and, who knows, maybe run off to one of the colonies.

“Your Majesty?” He calls out, managing politeness only because the King might be within earshot and he probably won’t tolerate Jack’s usual pet names for the bitch.

“In here,” Her voice echoes, and Jack follows it, eyes darting into every open doorway, “Really Jack, I sent for your fifteen minutes ago.”

”I had to get some stuff organized,” He yells back, finally tracking her voice down to a room. Jack pushes the door open and steps inside what is the world’s most ornate bathroom. This is ridiculous. There is no reason why you'd ever need platinum-plated taps.

The Queen’s lounging in the bathtub. Thick white towers of foam cover the bath’s surface, and her body hidden just beneath them. One long leg slides out of the water, emerging through the foam and then disappearing again, leaving Jack with the lingering impression of some deadly sea creature in the thick mist. She smiles at him, and Jack shakes his head at her, “You’re going to get us killed.”

“Jack, please, I think I know what I’m doing,” She shifts around in the tub, “What’s the paperwork for?”

“Cover story in case the King drops by. Not that it’ll do me any good if you’re in the tub,” He gripes, dropping it on the sink counter, “’what’s that your highness? Oh no, I was just helping your wife with her paperwork. In the bathtub.’”

“You’re so paranoid. It’s one of your more endearing qualities,” The Queen sits up a bit, and the foam that clings to her emerging body makes her glisten in the most maddeningly attractive way, “The King’s away with business today, I doubt he’ll return anytime soon.”

“You know what word I really don’t like? ‘I doubt’,” He says, looking for the lock on the bathroom door. But there’s nothing there, “What the hell? Where’s the lock?”

“Why would there be a lock on this door?” The Queen shakes her head, “Fine, he won’t be back today. Does that reassure you?”

“No. Why wouldn’t there be a lock on the door? It keeps people from barging in. You know, people who you doubt will come home?” Jack reminds her, and she just laughs at him, “You really don’t have a lock on the door?”

“In case you’ve forgotten, I am married to him. There’s no reason he can’t enter the bathroom when I’m using it. It’s not has if we have any secrets from each other,” She sinks back down into the bath, foam flying into the air and slowly floating down onto the tile, “Stop your fussing and join me. Or if you are that concerned, then go find a locksmith. I’ll just be in here, tending to my own needs.”

And that’s just unfair. Sure, give him two options, except one option is getting laid, and the other is leaving while he knows for a fact that she’s rubbing one out in the tub, “If I get executed, it’s on your head,” He tells her, reluctantly undoing the clasps on his uniform.

“I think I can live with that,” She grins and Jack feels that old familiar hate/lust combo that only the Queen can so inspire in him. He stripes and folds his uniform up, hiding it behind the huge pile of paperwork. There's no point in trying to keep the farce up, not once they get down to business anyway, but he's still not going to make this completely obvious. Maybe he can hide under the foam in case the King shows up.

The water is hot as hell when he sinks into the other end of the bath, and the tub overflows, spilling over the edges and onto the floor. It's making a mess but he doesn't give a fuck, and neither does she, so he's not about to spare it another thought when he's got a naked Queen right in front of him. Jack settles between her thighs, his body pressed flush against hers. The foam creeps in around them and she rests her arms on his shoulders.

He slips one hand between them, seeing out her cunt and slipping a few fingers inside. The water makes this easier and harder at the same time, and he gets to work on her clit, just so he won't have only water while thrusting. Except it seems that she's already taken care of that for him. Jack grins as he feels that certain slickness that's a great deal more cloying than the rest of the liquid they're stuck in, "Got a bit impatient?"

"You took too long," She opens her thighs as much as she can in the tub and Jack slides his fingers out of her, wrapping them around his cock and stroking until he's hard, "Really Jack, when I summon you, it means I want to fuck you then, not an hour later."

"It was fifteen minutes," He reminds her, not getting dragged into her exaggerations. Considering how terrifyingly patient she can be about almost everything else, it's funny how she can't take any delays when it comes to sex. Jack gets himself adjusted and then pushes into her. The water around them is hot, but it's still not as warm as her, and he groans.

"Mmm, that's lovely" She smiles languidly as him, settling her arms on his shoulders. Jack gets his hands around her waist, starting to thrust forward. The water slows him down, and it sloshes around them, starting to spill over the sides again. The Queen wraps her legs around him, and Jack takes a breath before pressing his face against her submerged breasts. They sway in the water and he nestled his head against them for a moment before returning to the surface to breathe.

It's a noisy, messy affair, but Jack likes it. Part of him is still paranoid that the King will come in at any moment, but part of him buried inside of her doesn't care. He slides his hands up to her breasts, giving them a squeeze. It's a bit hard to get traction on the bottom of the tub with just his knees, but he doesn't sweat it. Her cunt is tight with the bathtub keeping them both constrained, and that's more than enough friction to keep him going. And she isn't having her needs met, she'll flip them over and ride him until she does. The Queen's always straight-forward like that.

Jack finds it easier if he starts thrusting in time with the moving water, and it gives him that little extra speed he likes. The Queen moans and slides one knuckle into her mouth, and Jack pinches her nipples to hear her again, "I love how you sound when I'm inside you. You just can't hide how much you want it."

"Jack, Jack, Jack," The way she says his name makes his cock twitch, and she just smiles at him, "You can't hide it even when you're not inside of me. I think that puts me ahead of you."

"I've kept it hidden from everyone else," He counters, adjusting his angle. She moans again, and judging by how flushed her cheeks are, she's getting ready to come, "You must have really been playing with yourself before I showed up. I'm nowhere near ready and you're already there."

"Some of us are more efficient than others," The smile turns into a grin, and he thrusts as hard as he can in the bath. He takes one hand off her hip and gets it between them, rubbing his fingers on her clit and watching her mouth open up, "Oh Jack-"

Her legs tighten around him, and Jack gets a front row show as he pushes her over the edge, those hungry desperate sounds slipping out of her lips. Her cunt clenches around him hard enough to almost pull Jack after her. Jack grits his teeth and holds off, just so he can soak in everything. The water keeps sloshing around them, and when she cries out, it echoes all through the bathroom, sending a quiet spike a terror through him. Shit, they're being loud.

Jack quickly gets a hand over her mouth, but it's too late, and not enough. She grips the side of the tub and her mouth keeps moving against his palm, trying to suck in air. Only when she lets go and slides fully down into the water does he take his hand off her mouth. He slides her up until her head's sticking out, and then Jack leans up as best he can, kissing her briefly, "You're so fucking amazing."

"Mmm," Is all she can manage, settling a hand on the back of Jack's head. He starts to thrust again and his knee slips out on the bottom of the tub, sending Jack face-first into her breasts. Jack can hear her laughing, even as she helps him up. He coughs up some water and foam, and shivers at the sudden change in temperature, hot water giving way to cold air, "Piece of shit tub-"

She reaches out and wipes some foam off the top of his head, flicking it onto the floor, "We can always adjourn to the bedchambers if this is too much of a challenge," His eyes narrow at her. The Queen doesn't even bother to disguise what she's saying with mock innocence. Jack gets his knees planted again, this time against the edges of the tub, and he thrusts in as hard as he can. The water's still slowing him down, but he gets a moan out of the Queen, "There we go."

"I can fuck you anywhere," Jack tells her, tightening his grasp on her hips to keep him steady, and to keep him lined up, "Anywhere, anytime. Nothing's going to stop me. Not even that fucking husband of yours. I don't give a fuck if he walks in. I'll just keep fucking you, and he can see how a real man does it."

The Queen laughs at him, but her cheeks are flushed and Jack can feel her getting closer, her cunt tightening around him, "Really?" She cajoles him, and his hips drive into as quickly as they can, "Because I suspect if he walked in here right now, you'd try hide behind the tub."

"Oh shut up," He tells her and when she laughs, Jack leans in kisses her on the mouth, forcing her to shut up. Jack's deep inside of her, and the rush of the water around them is starting to work to his advantage again. He's starting to get closer to his own release when he hears the sound of footsteps outside.

"My treasure? Why is there water everywhere?" The King calls out, pushing the bathroom door open, and Jack shoves himself underwater as quickly as he can. Only there's not much water left from their rather messy attempts at fucking, and there's barely enough foam to cover him either, and all Jack can do is hope. The King's still speaking, but Jack can't make out any words with his head underneath.

The Queen says something, and Jack tries to do his best to stay completely still, and to keep from fucking drowning. His lungs slowly start to burn as time ticks by agonizingly slow. He can't hear the King. Is he still here? Did the Queen manage to talk him into leaving? Is he lingering, just waiting for Jack to pop his head up. The Queen isn't holding a hand on his head to keep him under, maybe that means he's safe.

It becomes too much. Jack does his best to surface quietly so he can pull in air. But the moment he surfaces, a hand grabs him by the scruff of his neck and yanks him into the air. He's dripping wet and covered in foam, and the King's got an iron grip on Jack, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

His voice booms in the small space, and Jack struggles, grabbing on the King's arm and trying to think of something, anything to say, "W-was ordered up here!" He gasps out, still trying to suck in air at the same time. His lungs hurt like a bitch, and it feels like his heart's going to explode in his chest, "Y-your highness-"

"Do you know what the punishment is for having carnal relations with the Queen? Do you? That's treason! And you know how we deal with traitors in Derse!" The King shakes Jack and he would swear he can hear that bitch stifling laughter. This is the shittiest way to die: naked and hard by the King's hand, while the Queen fucking laughs at him. His name going to be joke on Derse, if they don't completely erase his very existence. That thought it enough to spur him into action and Jack tries to claw his way free, already sure that if he doesn't try escape now, the next thing he'll feel is the King's sword in his chest. He's semi-successful, managing to claw up the King's arm enough that the King drops Jack in the bath, "He's a feisty one isn't he?"

"That's why I like him," The Queen says, and it's the calmness in her voice that keeps Jack from scrambling out of the tub and making a break for the door. She's not even worried about Jack, though she does make a bit of a face at the King's arm, "Jack, really, look at what you've done to him."

"Oh it's fine, light wounds is all. It's nice to see he's got a bit of spirit in him!" The King grins, and Jack stares in confusion at him, and then at the Queen, trying to figure our what the fuck just happened, "He must be a right little monster in the sack, judging by all the water on the floor."

"He does his duty well," The Queen holds out a hand and the King helps her sit up in the tub, "You know how it is. I'll have the mess cleaned up as soon as we're done, darling."

"Take your time, I know how you hate to rush. Go back to your fun," Jack watches dumbfounded as the King leans in and kisses the Queen, then nods to Jack when they pull apart, "Don't forget, we have dinner plans tonight."

"I've got my dress already picked out. Shall I fetch you when we're finished?" She asks, and the King nods. He leaves and Jack stares at the Queen, his heart still hammering in his chest. The Queen just smiles, "You know Jack, you didn't have to stop. I am fully capable of having a conversation while being fucked."

"You- He- He knows?!" Jack's voice got shrill and furious, and her laughter just made it worse, "He knew and you didn't tell me?!"

"I did tell you. You just didn't listen," The Queen smirks, and gets a hold of Jack, pulling him up into her lap, "I told you I had no secrets from him."

"But-" He looks towards the door, and then back to her, "I'm fucking you. I thought- I thought he was going to kill me, but he just. Doesn't he care?"

"Why would he?" The Queen slides one hand down and wraps it around his cock. She starts stroking him quickly, the other hand on his back to keep him close, "It's hardly as if you're my first lover. And he has his own women to sleep with if he chooses to."

"But," Jack tries to focus, but it's hard when she's jerking him off like this, and her breasts are right in front of his face, "It's cheating."

"Please don't tell me believe in monogamy Jack. That stuff is trite and impractical," She rubs her thumb over the head of his cock and he shudders, "I know forbidden fruit has a certain appeal, but life's so much more fun when you treat it like a buffet."

He stares at her, and then decides to just give up. Who gives a fuck how the Queen and King run their own relationship, just as long as it doesn't end with him dead. Jack gives in to his baser instincts and just presses his face between her breasts, nuzzling them and squeezing them with his hands. She chuckles softly and strokes him harder.

It doesn't take much longer. Jack's already a little frustrated from having to stop, and from how hard it is to get solid footing in the bathtub, and he's got such a weakness for her tits. He just thrusts into her hand, and groans as he comes on her belly. Jack keeps his face buried between her breasts as she strokes him through his shuddering, and doesn't bother moving even after she finishes.

The Queen humours him, wrapping an arm around his back and letting him stay nestled in her bosom. Of course, it still comes with a price, "So Jack, what was that about you showing my husband how a- what was it, a 'real man does it'?"

"Shut up," He mumbles, pressing his face against her breast and reminding himself that it was worth putting up with her for these wonderful moments, with her all too fucking perfect breasts. Jack nestled deeper in the water, soaking in the warmth of the hot water, and enjoying the way her hands stroke along his back. They aren't much for intimacy, but sometimes, like right now, it's nice to indulge in it, even if only briefly.

She laughs, running her fingers over the top of his skull, "Next time, I do expect you to keep your promises."

Jack hesitates, casting his eyes up at her, "You really want me to fuck you in front of your husband? Are you trying to get me killed?"

"Jack, please, if I wanted you dead, I could do it myself," She reminds him, an all too true fact of life. The Queen lounges against the back of the tub, "I'm simply curious to see if you could manage to do it with another man watching you. Of course, I'm sure someone like you would have no trouble whatsoever."

His eyes narrow. Jack isn't exactly on board with this fuck-me-in-front-of-my-husband thing, but one thing he does know is that he'll never, ever back down from any challenge the Queen throws at him. He raises his head from her breasts, "I'm going to fuck you so hard that he'll have to ask me for tips."

"Atta boy," She grins, leaning in and kissing him harshly on the mouth. Jack's still a bit out of it but he manages to kiss back, leaving his mark on her lower lip. The Queen stands and exits the bath, water dripping off her body. She slips a robe on but leaves it open, "I'll see you tomorrow Jack, a little after noon."

He nods and sinks back into the tub, not really sure if he's ready to get up yet.

"And one last thing," Jack drags himself up to hear it. She points to the stack of paperwork on the sink, "Leave your work at your desk, where it belongs."

And with that, she heads out of the bathroom. Jack just flops out flat in the tub and floats in the remaining water, trying to decide if he hates her for being such a huge bitch, or loves her for being such a huge bitch. In the end, all he decides is that it doesn't matter, and that he should really get the hell out of here before the King wanders in. Again.

Jack heaves himself out of the tub and grabs his uniform, making himself scarce. The paperwork ends dumped out of the nearest window, where it will hopefully fall and give some unsuspecting pushover a head-injury. He's almost out of the chambers when he bumps into another Dersite. It's not a guard, but a young woman, and her eyes nearly bug out of her head, "Archagent Noir! I! I was just-!"

He takes one look at her, and knows instantly what she's here for, "Save it sister," Jack tells her before she can get herself into a real tizzy, "Might want to avoid the bedroom. The Queen's changing in there. The King's probably being a lazy asshole in his study."

"He is not a lazy asshole, he's-" She jumps to his defense, and catches herself a moment too late, "Oh dear."

"Well this has been great but I've got shit to do. Later dollface," Jack brushes by her, pausing to add, "Oh yeah, the Queen found out about you," Before leaving without an explanation. He can almost hear the girl's world collapsing as he heads down the stairs, grinning to himself. Maybe there is something to be said for not being monogamous. It sure makes life a hell of a lot more interesting.


End file.
